* Construction of an emergency field hospital under CenturyLink Field was halted last night after outraged Seahawk fans claimed that the holy site had not been properly consecrated for that purpose. After a late-night waiver of the governor’s ban on religious services, this morning faith leaders from across the region gathered for a brief ceremony. Construction has now resumed.
* Seattle City Council voted unanimously yesterday to give every adult Seattleite a 60-day supply of weed to help with the stress of the pandemic. The bill was immediately vetoed by Mayor Jenny Durkan, who remains the only person over age 12 in Seattle who doesn’t partake. Council easily overrode the veto. Councilmember Sawant raised a concern that landlords didn’t deserve the benefit, but after a brief recess she returned to council chambers feeling much better. The weed will be given out using the same distribution network now being used for school lunches.
* Mayor Durkan announced an emergency order that on public health grounds bans all homeless people from Seattle. “I’ve been wanting to do this for years,” Durkan explained, adding, “They’re just icky, icky people.”
* Amazon, enjoying record home delivery sales, announced that they would cancel the Amazon Prime memberships of anyone who lived in a jurisdiction that dared to tax it. A panicked Congress hastily passed a new federal law prohibiting any taxation of the tech giant, and a coughing Donald Trump signed it into law. In a show of corporate responsibility, Amazon donated “dozens and dozens” of face masks to area morgues. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos was not available for comment, having launched into space yesterday in an act of social distancing welcomed by all.
* In a little-noticed development, the Seattle Mariners cancelled their season.
* Puget Sound pods of orca whales were spotted Tuesday frolicking and celebrating, happy that the water was cleaner, the noise wasn’t as bad, and the humans finally had something to worry about, too.
* The White House Medical Office announced that both President Trump and Vice President Pence had tested positive for COVID-19. At her weekly press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, a wry smile on her face, said she would pray for them.
* Trump, defiant, tweeted that he has “Never felt better!! NOBODY ELSE HAS EVER HAD THIS VIRUS BEFORE ME!!!!! I will continue to stand shoulder to shoulder with Vladimir and other Great Americans in fighting this virus! Make America Wait Again!!” Trump appeared at his daily press briefing, sneezing onto the podium microphone, which Dr. Anthony Fauci would then fastidiously wipe clean.
* Pence deferred hospitalization, fearing that too many nurses might be single women, and is praying at home instead.
* Two other Cabinet members tested positive: HHS Secretary Ben Carson, who is attempting to heal the virus through the laying on of hands, and Education Secretary Betsy DeVos, who is self-kwarrunteening. The remainder of the Cabinet is in self-isolation, reflexively praising Trump via Zoom.
* DeVos’ brother, former Blackwater CEO Erik Prince, announced the formation of a new mercenary army to go shoot the virus.
* The city of Las Vegas, out in the middle of the desert with no purpose any longer, simply vanished yesterday.
* Frustrated New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo: “Now I know how Puerto Rico felt.”
* With tens of millions of Americans stuck at home, major porn sites were crashing all day on Tuesday.
* Fearing a second wave of infections, China took its most stringent measure yet today, banning anyone under the age of five from the People’s Republic. A spokesman explained that “while this may cause some parents to become distraught, we simply cannot afford the public health risk of having those adorable little walking, sniveling, sneezing disease vectors around.”
* North Korea announced that Kim Jong-Un had found a cure for COVID-19 while launching a ballistic missile and shooting hoops.
* Total confirmed cases worldwide jumped today to 7,774,824,639.
It’s a lot easier to compile these updates if I don’t need to check sources! An actual update coming again later today.